It's almost been 2 years since I stopped drinking.
I feel fucking great =)
And that is similar to how I feel right now at the moment. It feels like we are so close from getting a new space for our community and finally a room where we can keep our teachers and students warm and comfortable.
As a community we've have been through so much, and I can't tell you (literally I can't) the struggle it has been getting to this point as a yoga studio owner. But our community has remained resilient, and committed to yoga. Even though we've be rained out for much of this winter, you guys are still showing up online trickling in here and there, we are still truckin and movin and as a yoga community without a studio I'm grateful we can still do at least that.
As a human, many of you know I've been hit with a flurry of tragedy, heartbreak, to a level that even now, and I suspect forever, won't ever make much sense. But I will say, that my legs and lungs feel strong from walking up this steep grief mountain and that not much of anything can stand between me and my ambition to gather like minded folk around one mission. And getting this new studio space will be a giant step toward that mission.
1 year ago I can't tell you how far away I felt from that feeling. (Really I can't tell you). And how far it felt from getting into a space, if we'd ever get back into a space. I can't believe we're almost there, and I know much of it is because I've been sober for 2 years, and it's all very surreal and I'm proud of what we've done.
I shouldn't write it in yet of course, not till we sign the papers, we still have a lot to go in the studio getting process, but I've never felt so close. It feels like it's at the tip of our fingers.
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So I've digressed so much here hehe, this blog is suppose to outline the benefits I've felt from practicing sobriety from alcohol, a second time, what is different from the last time I turned to sobriety and how I am to move forward.
What has changed since you stopped drinking Rex?
Since I stopped drinking I feel the following effects, some maybe obvious, some not so obvious.
1. Better Sleep
A night cap or glass of wine was all it took for me to feel the ramifications of a drink. Maybe it's my age now, but I can't quite just have one and feel nothing anymore. The price is of poor sleep drags into my week.
2. Better Practice
Anything that requires practice has gotten better name it, I've gotten exponentially better at it and the drag of that lack of sleep has helped me achieve that by a ton. If you factor in the lack of sugars and carbs in my diet, it make sense that when something requires my upmost focus and dristi, a sense of discipline, I don't find myself dozing off that one might after a weekend of drinks or even just one, as that all it takes for me.
3. Better Patience
When I had just one drink in me, there was so little patience for pretty much anything. Whether it was a conversation, or a meal, I would just rush it. Not sure why that is, perhaps it's because alcohol is a depressant, and because of that expressing myself calmly and with time because a struggle. I don't know, but a feel my capacity to be patient at least twice as big.
4. More Self Respect
Each time I've felt a pull to drink again and I've said no, I feel my self respect inside tick up. And I've felt that pull many times. And now my coping tools in situations where I would use alcohol to calm down or relax have improved too.
5. Better Coping Tools
Speaking of coping tools, leaving or taking a break from an uncomfortable situation, rather than forcing social interaction and having a drink to push down the stress or ignore conflict. And it's as simple as that. If I don't feel comfortable, if I can feel anxiety build up in my body, If I'm at home alone than I leave and take a walk, If I'm surrounded by people and friends that I leave and take a walk. I play guitar. I jump on my mat. I chant deity names. I jump into asana, or pranayama, or isolate momentarily inward and regulate, and then come back.
6. Better Social Skills
Similar but not exclusive to coping skills, sobriety helped me develop leaving skills.
Liquid courage they call it. And certainly, alcohol is a useful tool to some extent, a great depressant, and at times too good. So much of the time when I would drink to suppress my anxiety in social circles and attempt to force useless social interaction, I found myself trying to fit in rather than respecting my own boundaries. Putting up with social norms, oppressive and abusive behavior that if sober well, my anxiety would allow me to leave.
I'm less tolerant of abuse, slow developing dependencies, because now instead of drinking the pain and discomfort away, I just leave =D My therapist calls that "respecting your boundaries."
Now I spend time and speak with people who want to add value to my life, and I genuinely want to add value in theirs. There is no supressing an urge to leave or the depression or anxiety of an abusive behavior with alcohol, there is only my actual true feelings. As a result the people who are around me and support me do so because they enjoy it, and vice versa. Less alcohol = More authentic relationships. We don't have the bottle to drink the abuse away.
So what's different from the last time you practiced sobriety?
The last time I went sober I did it slow. I allowed myself wine to curb the nervous ticks. I could only be sober for months at a time before I allowed myself a glass of wine.
Before I had an ambition to practice yoga and study yoga to the fullest extent. When I would drink it would take away from my focus in my meditations, my asana practice, and my moods. To abstain from alcohol back then was to bring my broken soul in a place of peace so I can retain yoga information.
Things got better quickly, with all the benefits above described, I was healing and growing.
This Time
I can feel the effects not just for my own ambitions but in all my ambitions that are shared. If not for Union Yoga or the relationships that I am heavily invested in now, perhaps this round of sobriety would have been shorted lived.. But boy do I feel it in relationships, romance, business, and pleasure, the gifts of being efficient in the small ways have added up over time. There is by no way I'd have the support system, I have around me now without being committed to this yoga work and not be dragged down by the liquid depressant.
Let's be clear
I don't see alcohol or any drug, as an evil thing. Drugs have it's benefits in the right context and without dependency, and perhaps some drugs need supervision for a responsible use case, I know at some distant point I'll have a drink again under the right circumstances. Perhaps atop a mountain, enjoying the pristine views of the Japanese Alps sitting in a hot spring tub and my depression from these horrific tragedies, processed.
And perhaps there be a point where I practice sobriety again, perhaps again with a motive to push an ambition forward like I've done now reopening this yoga studio, or some other worthy cause.
For now the benefits of sobriety still serve me. And the process we are in of reopening needs my full and undivided attention. You have all continued to believe in us and so I remain committed to our cause. To bring a yoga studio and community committed to 3 tenants.
Inclusivity, Diversity, and Sensitivity to Trauma.